Where are You Going?
by SailorGirl31
Summary: Sometimes you need time apart to grow before you can be together.


Title: Where Are You Going

Summary: Sometimes you need time apart to grow before you can be together.

Disclaimer: The moment I achieve world domination they're mine. But, till then, they still belong to Mr. Whedon and Co. The title is a Dave Matthews Band song that I used for inspiration.

A/N: This was written for Gorynna as part of Femslash ficathon 09.

Thanks to Cheri (times a million) for beta reading for me.

_Tell me something that I would have never guessed about you._

It seemed like an innocent enough question. We were trying to get to know one another better. We had already buried a closet full of hatchets, so learning more about the other's history just seemed like the right thing to do.

_I love the life I have with you guys. _

_I don't think that counts…but…I'll take it. _

_Hold on a sec Goldie Locks. Why doesn't it count?_

_That's a silly question Faith._

_A silly question still deserves a silly answer._

_Because…I know you. Even if I don't know every detail of your life, I know what you feel…what you need. I know that being apart of a family is important to you. I know that you think chocolate pudding is the devil but you love tapioca. I know you like your space and I know that one day you'll need to go. What I don't know though is how long you'll be gone. _

Turns out she was right. There were things going on with me that I didn't know how to deal with. At the time I didn't realize it, but it was always there. Before prison, Sunnydale, even before slaying I felt out of place.

Every moment in my life had been dictated by someone else; my mother, my watchers, the mayor, guards, and Buffy, too…especially Buffy. I didn't have a clue who I was if someone wasn't there to keep me on the straight and narrow.

The few months I spent with the gang in Cleveland was, at that time, the best my life had ever been. I felt accepted, and it wasn't 'cause they needed me. It wasn't like before. This time they made me feel like they really wanted me for me, and not just for what I can add to the team.

There was never any question about whether or not I was going to Cleveland. I had my own room at The House. Red hooked me up with some of the funds that she pinched from the abandoned Council accounts and she wiped my record, giving me back my name. All of my relationships were improving and it made me look at life differently.

I loved these guys more then I thought I was capable of and I'd step in front of a speeding train for any one of them, but there was still something inside that wasn't right. I thought that there had to be something wrong with me. Maybe I really was meant to be evil. Maybe happiness wasn't my thing. Cause, how could I not be happy? I had everything I'd ever wanted and I didn't have to fight, lie, cheat or kill for it. But the darkness that I'm always afraid will return was still there, lurking, waiting for a sliver of weakness to appear. And it took a ridiculously simple question to shed light on my unease.

There wasn't anything extra special about the day I left.

I woke up a little on the late side, went through my morning ritual. The house was always full and that day was no different. Giles was reading some insanely huge book. Xander was showing Dawn how to use some weird looking power tool, and who knows what Red and Kenny were up to. Andy was cooking and the newbies were being loud and annoying. And B, like always, was meditating out in the back yard.

Every morning she took this time for herself. She said she liked the feel of the rising sun warming her spirit after she'd taken the time to cleanse her soul.

Anyways, she was exactly where I expected her to be, out in the yard completely relaxed with the sun on her face. She looked amazing; I think she might have actually been glowing.

It's crazy to think that till that moment I never took the time to realize how beautiful she was. It's not like I didn't know she's a hottie; I'm not crazy. But I never noticed before now how being around her made my heart pound and my palms sweat. And when I took the time to think back, I could see it clearly. Something in my soul clicked and I felt all the things you hear about…the swell in the chest and the fluttering in the belly. I'm not good with the flowery words. It's just not my thing, but that's how I felt.

As I watched her that morning I knew this could be our life. That we could be together and in love, but I wasn't ready. I would mess it up because I'm me and that's what I do. There was still too much darkness in me to be able to offer her anything but heartache, and all the love here would just cover it up till it bubbled over and destroyed everything in its path. I knew then, just like she did the night before, that I needed to go away and find some peace for my heart before I could give it to her.

Ten months. It's been ten months since I walked away from my family. Seven months since I found this little house on top of a cliff that overlooked a quiet fishing town and harbor. And it's been about twenty minutes since I started feeling the need to run again.

Twenty minutes ago, I was sitting out back on my deck watching the different boats pull in and out of the harbor, sipping on a beer, when I felt that familiar tingle at the base of my skull. At first I thought I had lost my mind. I haven't seen or heard from anyone but Red after I took off, so there was no way that _she_ could be here.

Red held out for all of two days before she called to make sure I was ok. She didn't ask any tough questions and she still doesn't. But she makes sure to keep in touch so she can remind me that I'm missed and loved. Every Sunday she calls and gives me the lowdown on what the gang is up to. We never talk about Buffy, but she babbles on about everything else. The fact that Buffy could be here and Red didn't give me a heads up is causing some mixed emotions in me.

"Mind some company?" And just like that, she's here. One second I'm digging around in the cooler for a beer trying not to be pissed at Red. The next B was standing next to me. She looked relaxed and happy, smiling at me like the last ten months didn't happen. Some things would always be just that easy. It seemed like, for us, reunions might be that thing.

It took all of 30 seconds for Buffy to make herself at home. All I could do throughout the whole process was stare. I stared while she grabbed a chair. I stared when she settled in on the other side of my cooler-o-beer. And I stared some more when she reached into the cooler and pulled out a beverage for herself. I couldn't get my mind around it. What was she doing here? Did something happen? Is there a new Big Bad? Did someone die? I don't know what I'd do if someone that I loved passed away. Why didn't Red give me a heads up?

"What are you doing here?" I guess it's about time I sputtered something out. We'd just been sitting there, me staring at her while she took in the view.

"Now that's a silly question." She smiled and took a sip of her beer; no doubt remembering the last time she said those words to me. "This is a really great place you've found. I can see why you love it so much. I can't wait to see that 'hovering' sun thing."

For some crazy reason I wanted to argue with her. How could she possibility know what I did and didn't love? But the answer was simple. I have been here for seven months. For me to be any where voluntarily for that long had to be love.

"Funny…", Buffy started, stopping me from getting lost in my thoughts. "…when it all ended, everyone seemed so sure that I'd be the one who'd jump ship and run off to places unknown."

"Why didn't you?" I asked. I thought the same thing ,too, at first. Towards the end, she seemed so done with it all that I just knew that she was going to run off to some uninhabitable jungle and rough it Survivor style.

"At the time I thought, 'What else would I do?'"

"Live."

For some reason my answer seemed to bother her.

"Is that what you're doing?"

"I'm still trying to figure that out." We let the conversation lag while we watched a cruise liner dock. But, after couple more rounds of drinks, I decided that it was time to get the conversation moving again. "What are you doing here, B?"

"I gotta tell you, I'm impressed. You really did find most remote -yet still accessible-place to hide away, didn't you?"

"Not remote enough." I replied with a chuckle and an eye roll. Apparently, she was not going to be rushed into the reason for her sudden appearance. "You staying for dinner?"

"Is that an invite?", she asked with a smile.

"Are we going to keep asking each other questions that won't get answers?"

"I don't know. Are we?"

Suddenly it felt like we were back in Cleveland arguing over what to have for dinner and what we were going to watch on TV later. Before I decided to take off…before I realized the depths of my feelings…before I knew what it was like to truly have people who care about you in your corner.

"You are still the same pain in my ass."

"Ditto." She shot back at me, smirking. I've missed that smirk. "You look good, Faith. Happy looks good on you. What have you been up to? I know you keep in touch with Will but…" She trailed off, looking uncomfortable for the first time since she arrived. I decided to let her off the hook.

"I haven't been up to anything. I read, go for a run or hike. There's this kick ass glacier that you can get pretty close to on one of the trails. Life out here is pretty simple for me. I think I just needed to slow down…get away…I needed to think."

"I know."

"What are you doing here, B?" I had to ask again. I wanted to enjoy the visit but if something serious was going on then I wanted to deal with it quickly and come home. I've fallen in love with this place and I'm so tired of the fight.

It took me a long time to figure out that causing pain isn't something that I enjoy anymore. It made me have to be someone that I don't want to be, but wherever Buffy needed me is where I'll go.

"It's not what you think. There's no Big Bad. No one died and no…I haven't been possessed.", she finished with a grin.

"I'm not in the mood for games."

"Neither am I."

"Then tell me." I was beginning to get frustrated. I had spent a some time learning how to deal with my emotions in a grown up way but I still had my limits. Not to mention the fact that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I never envisioned our reunion to be like this. I left. Without a word, I just walked out the door, hopped on my bike and rode off. At the least, I expected lots of harsh words. What I didn't see coming was a beer drinking, 'Prozac Buffy'.

"You never called." I had been so wrapped up in my head that I almost missed her whispered admission.

"Huh?"

"You never called." Buffy repeated herself, voice a little stronger. "After you left I started doing some soul searching of my own. I buried myself in activity after activity. I took up hobbies, joined clubs…I even tried a pet."

We both shared a smile at that. I don't even want to ask about the pet. Just the way she said it -'tried a pet'- didn't bode well for the poor thing. I doubt it made it to week two. As far as I knew, Buffy could barely take care of a plastic plant let alone something living and breathing.

"Anyways, everything I tried just left me more restless than before, I couldn't understand it. Everyone else was doing all these new things but they were still them, you know? But I just couldn't find my groove. There wasn't anything that…calmed me. I couldn't find anything - besides meditating - that gave me a reprieve from my thoughts, and it's not like I can spend my entire life in a meditative state. That's when I started toying with the idea of calling you."

"Why didn't you?" I thought I knew the answer but assumptions are what always got in our way in the past and I didn't want to start repeating bad habits.

"Oh, you know, me being me. I…when you left…it was hard on me. I was having the same feelings and doubts that you did. I knew that leaving was something that you needed but I thought that we were going to go through this…shift?...together. And then you decided that you had to do it all alone and most of me got that. But it was that little voice that said you were abandoning me and…well..." She trailed off, at a loss for words or lost in thought, probably a little of both. I popped open another round for the both of us and waited.

"I didn't call because I thought I was respecting your wishes and because I was afraid that you wouldn't take my call. So, I waited for you to make the first move. That lasted all of a month before I found myself at the airport with every intention of dragging you back to the 'civilized world'."

"So you are here to bring me back." The disappointment I felt was overwhelming. I figured that she came to bring me back, but it didn't feel right…her trying to force me to leave.

"At the time…yeah."

"At the time?"

"I ended up in Australia instead."

"No shit?"

"No shit." She echoed. "I was lost. I didn't know where I fit in anymore and you weren't there to keep it together for me. At the airport I realized that I've been using you as an anchor. The things that I was feeling weren't new. Those issues were always there and would always be there unless I took some time to figure it out. So, I took the first available flight, which just happened to be to Sydney. From there I went everywhere and did everything that I could think of. If it popped into my head I did it. It was great and I loved every moment of it. I was starting to feel that thing that those crazy optimists are always talking about. I was enjoying…everything…life. And it got better everyday, just like the crazies said it would."

I found myself staring again, watching her talk about this new life that she's been living. It made sense now what was different about her. She was happy. That's all. No trick of light or soul cleansing, just plain old happiness. She traveled around the world and found the same answers that I'd found here in Homer, Alaska. All of that somehow leads me back to my original, and still unanswered, question. I have to fight down the hope that's trying to bubble up. Something in me knows what the answer is – knew what it was the moment I felt her presence.

"Why are you here, Buffy?"

"There you go, asking silly questions again."

"Silly questions still deserve silly answers."

She smiled at me as she sat her beer down. There was a look in her eye that I don't think I'd ever seen before. It was powerful and intrusive and unnerving. The more nervous I got the more intense her gaze became. I prayed that whatever she was about to say wouldn't send me running again.

She held my gaze for a little longer and made peace with whatever was going on in her mind.

I watched as she found her happy place again. I watched as she stood and made a show of straightening out her clothing. I kept watching as she nervously took up a kneeling position in front of me. After spending so much time away from her glow, I couldn't do anything but watch her and hope and wait.

"Faith?...Isn't it obvious? All the things that I've been doing these past months, it's all been an attempt to find some peace…to find something that would bring the calm that I expected to feel after we destroyed the First. Don't get me wrong, I am happy. I've had a great time, learned a lot about myself and what I need. Worked out a lot of my internal demons. But, with everything that I've tried and every place that I've been, I always wished that you were there with me. You are the only one that I've wanted by my side through everything. I miss you and I love you. That's why I'm here…because you are."

I think we stopped breathing. I know I did. I didn't know what to say. Motivational speeches and sappy words were her thing. I always just said whatever came to mind and hoped it didn't sound like mouth garbage.

"So-I mean-I don't want to assume…"

"No…assume away."

"…you're going to stay with me?" I posed it as a question, but we both knew it was a statement of fact.

"Yes."

"Cause I'm your happy place?"

"Something like that."

Same old Buffy. Our happy ending is a half pace away and she's being a smart ass. I've missed that. I've missed her.

I've made a good life up here; I continued my education, started doing some community service, I even coach youth sports. The darkness is still there but I learned that everyone has a bit of it in them; it's what you do with it that matters. I accomplished all that without anyone hanging over my shoulder telling me what I should and shouldn't do. And I'm…happy but not just with life. I found happiness within myself. Now maybe I'm ready to share that happiness with someone else. I guess there's only one way to find out.


End file.
